Own Failures and Apologize?

When to apologize

1. You fail to meet an expectation set for you
   • Everyone you work with depends on you, and if you’ve dropped a ball, you need to own it.
2. You neglect to deliver on a promise or commitment you made
   • Your integrity is entirely bound up in living out your word. Nothing goes more directly to your integrity than fulfilling promises and commitements.
3. You do harm to someone else through action or omission
   • Even when it’s unrelated to a prior expectation, promise, or commitment, an action that causes harm to someone else needs to be owned and addressed. If failing to do something hurts someone, that deserves an apology too.
4. You act unprofessionally, and damage a relationship
   • At its heart, integrity is about building trusting relationships. Any time we’re offensive, overly aggressive, or otherwise rude (and it happens to all of us from time to time) it’s apology time.
5. You’re not sure exactly how, but you know and understand that your actions hurt someone
   • This can be tricky. You shouldn’t apologize to someone if you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. But if you’re just fuzzy on the details, go ahead and apologize and ask what you can do to make it better.

When NOT to apologize

1. You don’t have a plan for how to change or make amends
2. You follow through on an expectation, and enforce a consequence
3. You decide not to make a commitment or promise
4. You share feelings or ideas that others disagree with
5. You are so annoyed or frustrated that you can’t feel remorse

How to Apologize

1. Acknowledge the offense. 
   • Acknowledging the offense is an essential element of a good apology, but many apologies don’t do this adequately. Apologies are most likely to be well-received if you show that you recognize who was responsible, who was harmed, and the nature of the offense. For example, saying “I made a mistake” is more effective than saying “Mistakes were made,” which fails to allocate responsibility. Similarly, acknowledging that harm occurred is better than making vague statements that minimize the legitimacy of the offended person’s grievances (e.g., “I’m sorry you feel hurt”) or fail to acknowledge the specific offense (e.g., “I’m sorry for whatever I said yesterday” rather than “I’m sorry for making that insensitive joke”).
2. Provide an explanation. 
   • In some cases, it’s helpful to explain an offense, especially to convey that it was not intentional and that it will not happen again. But explanations that sound like excuses or blame the victim (e.g., “You were really getting on my nerves”) tend to be counterproductive. It’s better to say, “There’s no excuse for my behavior” than to offer a shallow defense. 
3. Express remorse. 
   • When you hurt someone, it’s natural to feel shame, humiliation, or remorse. Expressing these feelings communicates that you recognize and regret the suffering you caused. Be careful of phrases like “That was uncharacteristic of me,” which might convey that you aren’t taking full ownership for what happened. Instead, acknowledge your disappointment in yourself and your commitment to improve. 
4. Make amends. 
   • A good apology should include efforts to repair the damage done. Reparation for tangible offenses such as loss of property might involve compensation or replacement, whereas reparation for less tangible offenses such as a violation of trust might involve taking steps to improve your behavior, such as attending marriage counseling. When considering how to best make amends, be sure to ask the offended person what would mean the most to them, rather than simply doing something to relieve your own feelings of guilt. Self-punishment, for example, might alleviate guilt without actually benefitting the victim.

For More Practice

Check out the Berkeley Greater Good in Action project: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/making_an_effective_apology